The Tension of Forgiveness
When Grace Feels Impossible
“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”
— C.S. Lewis
I’ve returned to this quote again and again. As a follower of Jesus, it strikes a deep chord. It creates a tension in me—because yes, I fully understand, accept, and embrace the truth that a loving and just God has forgiven me completely. But extending that same kind of grace to others? It makes all the sense in the world… and still, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do.
I’ve heard countless sermons and teachings on forgiveness. And every time, I’ve felt like something inside me was missing—some piece of the puzzle that made it easier for others than it was for me.
It wasn’t until I started asking God why that I began to see more clearly:
Forgiveness isn’t just a virtue—it’s part of His plan to sanctify us. But I first had to unlearn a few things. I had picked up some misconceptions about forgiveness that made it harder than it had to be. And I’ve learned I’m not the only one.
Here are a few false ideas that many of us carry:
1. Deep emotional wounds
Some hurts feel too big to just “let go.” Abuse. Betrayal. Injustice. These leave scars, and the idea of forgiving can feel like minimizing the pain. If that’s you, hear this: your pain is valid. Forgiveness isn’t about pretending it didn’t matter—it’s about trusting God to carry what you can’t.
2. Misunderstanding what forgiveness means
Forgiveness isn’t excusing the offense. It doesn’t mean saying, “It’s fine,” when it’s not. It doesn’t always mean reconciliation either—especially if the relationship is unsafe or unhealthy. Forgiveness is about releasing the right to hold the offense against someone—it’s for your freedom, not theirs.
3. Desire for justice
We see others’ sins more clearly than our own. Sometimes, we hold on to unforgiveness as a way of punishing the person who hurt us. But if we’re honest, what we label a “righteous desire for justice” is often just a veiled form of revenge. We have to ask God to uncover the bitterness we’ve buried and teach us to repent of it.
4. Fear of being hurt again
Forgiveness feels vulnerable. It can feel like we’re setting ourselves up to be wounded again. But vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s also where love is born. Forgiveness might risk pain, but it also opens the door to healing.
5. Overidentifying with our pain
Sometimes the wound becomes part of our identity. We start to believe that what happened to us is who we are. We become so invested in the hurt that forgiveness feels like losing a part of ourselves. But the gospel tells a better story. We are not defined by what’s been done to us—we’re defined by what Jesus has done for us.
In Matthew 18, Jesus tells a parable that drives this home. A servant owed his king an unpayable debt—millions, in today’s terms. When he pleaded for mercy, the king forgave the entire amount. But that same servant went out and demanded repayment from someone who owed him just a few dollars. When the king found out, he was outraged. The servant had received mercy but refused to extend it—and was thrown into prison.
The point is clear: if we’ve been forgiven a debt we could never repay, how can we withhold forgiveness from others for far smaller wrongs?
Paul echoes this in Ephesians:
“Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are His dear children.”
— Ephesians 4:32–5:1 (NLT)
At the end of the day, the goal isn’t simply to forgive—it’s to become more like Christ.
“We reflect God's heart most clearly when we release others from their worst moments.”
Just as God doesn’t define us by our failures, we mirror Him when we refuse to define others by theirs.